Man Panel tests a storm safety whistle

Jul 8, 2008

Palm Beach Post--July 07, 2008

Palm Beach Post Staff

What they tested: Storm safety whistle

Cost: $7.50


Product claims: Twice as loud as standard police and safety whistles. The Storm Safety Whistle’s patent pending harmonic chamber makes it the loudest whistle on earth. Produces a decibel reading between 118 and 120 , more than twice as loud as any other whistle tested. Easily heard over cheering crowds, waves and wind. Even works underwater – used by dive clubs to organize multi-diver events and to signal a buddy while underwater, and trusted by crews of Navy Rescue boats. An essential component of your disaster preparedness kit for your car. Plastic construction. Orange. 3" x 13/4". Made in USA.

The Retrosexual

Who: Dan Neal

Occupation: Journalist

Age: 45

City: Lake Worth

He says: You know how to annoy people, don’t you, Steve?

Just put your lips on this thing and blow.

The Storm Safety Whistle will cleave your noggin like a machete halves a melon. It produces 120 decibels, which is 1,000 times as loud as your iPod at full blast. That’s according to the manufacturers, and after only one toot, I believe them.

It would be ideal for blowing a bass-booming nitwit out of his Escalade, but as a disaster-preparedness device, I don’t know.

Trouble is, if you use it, people won’t want to come to your aid. They’ll want to kill you.

I know this because I unleashed a shriek in The Post’s design department, whereupon two women literally yelped in pain and a third (the mom in the crowd) bolted from her chair, ripped it from my mouth and locked it away in her desk, where I suspect it will remain for all eternity.

Pity the poor knucklehead who, post-hurricane, with everyone hot, cranky and looking for someone to blame, whips this gizmo out of his glovebox and ruptures the eardrums of everyone within a 2-mile radius because he’s acquired a flat tire. Help is not what will be headed his way.

The Who-You-Callin’-Sexual?

Who: Chris Dunstan

Occupation: Landscape designer

Age: 28

City: West Palm Beach

He says: It is loud. It is bright orange. It is another pointless Man Panel product to review. My favorite thing they say it does is that it works on or under water. Let’s think about this for a minute: if you are under water do you have any spare air to blow a whistle? I don’t think so. If you want me to test something to save me in case I am lost at sea, send me a Breitling Emergency watch. That will send out a homing signal to someone who could find me, not just annoy my neighbors like when I am testing this storm whistle.

The Not-Gettin’-Enough-Sexual

Who: Mark Buzek

Occupation: Graphics director, The Palm Beach Post

Age: 47

City: Boynton Beach

He says: They ain’t lying. This puppy is loud – a manly whistle. A fella could get himself into some serious trouble with this thing. I’ll bet you could stop the Miami Dolphins dead in their tracks from the upper deck with this hooter. A half-toot grabbed my entire family’s attention away from Dancing With The Stars – something I could never do by screaming.

The problem with this whistle is, it’s big and stupid looking. So, you know you’d never have it hanging around your neck when you really needed it.

Perfect for firefighters and policemen? That’s what they claim. Twice as loud as a standard police whistle. But I’m guessing they’re gonna need to make a black version to cut down on the Bozo effect. I mean, I just don’t see my SWAT buddy wearing this big orange, plastic whistle around his neck. But I’m gonna ask him. And the next time you knock off a bank and find the SWAT team chasing you, blowing big orange whistles, you’ll know I was wrong